What is a friend? How do you know if someone IS your friend?

Friends - Social Groups for Adults and Teens

Some say that friendship is a gift — and truly, there is nothing like a loyal, dependable, good friend.

While we know the many benefits of friendship can feel like one of life’s greatest treasures, when we teach the UCLA PEERS curriculum in our social groups for adults and teens we emphasize that “Friendship is a choice.”

You don’t get to be friends with everyone — and not everyone gets to be friends with you!

We know that friends are a source of joy, laughter, wonderful memories and in fact, social security. But what exactly is a friend? What defines a real friendship?

Teaching social skills to youth and adults alike requires that we operationally define our terms. Some teens and adults call everyone their friend, which is not true and can actually be dangerous due to the gullibility of those who struggle socially. Others can’t name a single friend. The characteristics of what a friend is needs to be explicitly taught — so that you know how to recognize a real friend, as well as how to be a real friend.

The following nine characteristics have been identified by the social groups for adults, and we outline these when we are teaching social skills to youth and adults:

  • Sharing of common interests. Most friendships are based on common interests, likes, interests and hobbies. These constitute the basic structure of your friendship, as they are things to talk about and do together.

  • Caring. Any proper friendship involves some level of caring — warmth, affection, fondness, as well as compassion, concern and empathy. If the participants in the “friendship” do not demonstrate caring, how can you consider it a friendship?

  • Support. To provide help and guidance when needed, to encourage and reassure when times are difficult, or just to offer an empathetic, listening ear — these all serve as evidence of caring in a friendship.

  • Mutual understanding. The knowledge that your friend gets you — they understand your thoughts and feelings, often without trying very hard.

  • Commitment and loyalty. Commitment is a pledge to be there for each other, even in the challenging times. Loyalty is the proof of commitment — the actions that show your support and devotion to the friendship.

  • Honesty and trust. Without honesty, there is little trust and security in the friendship. Trust is necessary to buoy the friendship, and helps guarantee that your friend will support you and have your back.

  • Equality. Shared friendships are equal, and reciprocity is a key feature of equality. The needs of both are considered important; low quality friendships tear apart when one person’s needs are unfulfilled.

  • Ability to self-disclose. The level to which you feel comfortable sharing intimate thoughts, feelings, and personal history depends on the level of friendship, but even casual friends are usually able to share at least some thoughts and feelings with each other.

  • Conflict resolution. To have the ability to resolve conflict and arguments, without destroying the friendship, is a definitive measure of a friendship’s strength. This ability is tied into the other characteristics, like caring, commitment, and trust. Both need to be able to allow themselves to be vulnerable, and to trust each other enough to be willing to try and resolve the conflict.

“Be slow to fall into friendship; but when thou art in, continue firm & constant.” Socrates

Mara McLoughlin