Top 10 Dating Tips for Autistic Teens and Young Adults
There are numerous articles that provide advice to non-autistic individuals on how to date an autistic person. However, few articles exist that aim to help autistic and neurodivergent people navigate dating an allistic (or non-autistic) person. Here are our Top 10 Dating Tips for autistic teens and adults.
NOTE: We wrote this article for neurodivergent teens, young adults, and adults who are just starting to date or have difficulty dating. We recommend parents of autistic individuals review these tips with their children to help make dating more successful, less fraught, and generally safer.
1) HOW TO: Ask someone out on a date
Asking someone out on a date can be the most challenging part of dating for socially struggling individuals—regardless of age. It leaves you open to rejection and the person you're asking possibly feeling embarrassed.
Before you ask someone on a date, determine if you have common interests. Just like friendships are based on shared interests, romantic relationships should also be founded on common interests and values. How can you become more than friends if you’re not laying the foundation for friendship beforehand?
To begin, set the scene by choosing the right place and time to ask someone out. Pick a quiet place where no other people are nearby who can hear you. Avoid approaching them if they’re already socializing with others or engaged in an activity that you might interrupt. This will give you both some privacy and can go a long way to establishing a level of comfort in your communication.
Once you’ve found the right time and place, start the conversation by trading information about your common interest, e.g., music, dogs, or gardening. Then, you can ask your would-be date if they would join you for an activity based on your shared interest. “Would you like to see a show/walk our dogs/go to the rose garden with me?” is a closed-ended question that will likely result in a yes, no, or maybe answer.
Assuming they say yes, you can ask follow-up questions to nail down the particulars of the date. You can ask those questions right then and there, make a plan to get in touch by phone, or text to plan the particulars of your date.
If you experience rejection sensitivity dysphoria (or simply don’t handle rejection particularly well), you may prefer to use an open-ended question. “What are you up to this weekend?" is an open-ended question which will guide your next steps. Depending on their reply, you could follow-up with an invitation to an activity based on your shared interest. For example, knowing you both enjoy anime, you could ask them to the special anime exhibit at the modern art gallery.
Leading with an open-open question may soften feelings of rejection if they decline your invitation. On the other hand, asking a closed-ended question gets straight to the point. Because everyone is different, there is no one “right way” to ask someone out. However, knowing yourself and your communication preferences will help you figure out which is best for you.
2) HOW TO: Choose the right place
Consider having your first meeting with this person be simple and public, like grabbing a cup of coffee at a cafe close to both of you or getting some ice cream and going for a walk. Keep it short and sweet when you’re first getting to know someone. This allows you to figure out if this is the kind of person you want to spend more time with.
Going to a public place for your initial meeting or first few dates is a good practice to adopt, especially for your own personal safety. This applies whether you’re the person who’s being asked out or the one doing the asking.
Place is also important to get right for individuals with sensory processing difficulties. If you struggle to understand people in noisy environments, stay away from loud bars or restaurants in favor of quieter venues. Let your date know you prefer a quiet place to become acquainted. On the other hand, if you like highly stimulating environments, see if your date is comfortable going to an arcade, a busy cafe, or a concert (after the first date).
Neurodiverse people tend to gravitate toward other neurodiverse people, so we may want to connect through shared interests which can be exciting and energizing. For example, both may love dancing, live music, or movies.
While it may be fun to share stimulating activities with another person, having a date or several that are on the quieter side is recommended to get to know that person better. Having to yell above the music is a difficult way to connect with someone. Talking during movies is distracting and an awkward way to get to know them or let someone get closer to you (not to mention annoying other people in the audience).
Most high-energy shared interests are best saved for after you’ve gotten to know someone better.
3) HOW TO: Date safely
Your safety is critical to consider when dating. If the person you’re going out with isn’t someone you know well, you could be at risk of ill intent on their part. Arrange to meet in a public place the first time you connect with someone new.
If you feel unsafe on a date at any time, try to get near other people who can help you. Do not get rides with people you don’t know, even if you’ve met them once or twice. Consider using a rideshare app for transportation; it is a much safer option until you get to know someone.
Listen to your body; if you get a sick feeling in your stomach or the hair on the back of your neck stands up, your body’s wisdom is alerting you to danger. You can also have defensive protection on board; some smartphones have built-in emergency measures and can call 911 for you.
Let someone else — a parent or friend — know where you’ll be and when they can expect you home, or ask them to call you at a specific time to check in with you. Most of the time, you won’t need their assistance, but an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.
4) HOW TO: Present yourself
Many neurodivergent people have challenges with hygiene or knowing how to present themselves to others. While you should be comfortable on a date, paying attention to hygiene and appearances significantly impacts dating success, regardless of whether you’re dating a neurodivergent or a neurotypical person.
Questions to consider as you prepare for your date:
Are my clothes clean and appropriate for the event?
Is my hair washed and combed?
Did I put on deodorant?
Did I brush my teeth so that I have fresh breath?
Checking these off as you prepare for your date will go a long way toward making a great impression.
5) HOW TO: Accept the way things develop
People make plans and then have to cancel them. They profess feeling one way but then declare their feelings have changed or that they’ve met someone new. Your date may be keen on one setting but then change their mind and suggest an alternative. It’s virtually impossible not to have expectations when dating; however, it’s best to keep those expectations low and go with the flow.
People run late, have bad days at school or work, and cancel plans at the last minute. These things don’t mean that your date has lost interest in you. Unexpected things come up that are out of the people’s control. It isn’t always about you.
Try to be understanding and assume positive intent. On the other hand, if it turns into a recurring problem, you get to decide whether you’re okay with these inconsistencies or if you would rather date someone more reliable. Remember that dating is a choice — you don’t get to date everyone, and not everyone gets to date you.
It’s important for parents to talk to their teens/young adults about how they feel about a significant person in their lives at any given time. You may need to speak directly to topics like hygiene, gift-giving, and effective social strategies for dating from start to finish. Don’t assume your child knows these skills. Make conversations on these topics a natural part of everyday conversation and let your child know you are there to discuss these issues at anytime.”
— IRL COACH KRIS
6) HOW TO: Date more than one person (if you want to)
Some people want to find a long-term romantic partner or date only one person at a time. Some want a committed partnership with one person but find themselves attracted to multiple people they’d like to date. Still, others may prefer dating openly, without concern for a long-term partnership. All these choices are perfectly okay; one way is not better than the rest. It all boils down to personal preferences. These preferences can be fluid and change at any time.
When just starting out, it is usually considered normal to date more than one person at a time until one relationship develops into something more serious. Dating more than one person will allow you to explore different connections until you find someone with whom you’re most compatible.
Whatever you feel is right for you, you must be honest about the terms of your relationship with everyone you’re dating. If you want to date multiple people, communicate this to whomever you’re dating. Likewise, if you prefer to be exclusive, share your needs and feelings with the person you’re dating.
There’s no one “right” way to date. But communicating your needs and expectations with honesty is critical to gaining consent. It is unfair to hide the truth about your dating style to prevent someone from ending the relationship. Keeping it truthful and transparent ensures everyone can respond to the situation in the way best for them.
7) HOW TO: Communicate and get to know someone
The absolute best way to get to know others is by asking questions. Thoughtful and curious questions show the other person you’re interested in learning more about them. When your date shares something about themselves, ask follow-up questions to bring out more information. Many people enjoy talking about themselves and the things that they’re interested in.
You’ll also want to answer your own questions in case your date doesn’t ask you. This way, you have a two-way conversation while allowing the other person to get to know you.
Some neurodivergent people tend to overshare and anxiety can certainly amp this up. By being hyperverbal on a date, it can make it seem that you’re not interested in the other person, or that you don’t care about what they have to say. We don’t suggest you try to be someone you’re not or that you mask your true self. Instead, try to use two-way communication skills and strategies to have a balanced conversation where BOTH people feel heard, seen, and validated. Remember to talk to the other person and not at them.
Dating is an adventure. It's like being on a search party — you’re looking for common interests, values, and perspectives. Some of these things may be communicated indirectly or nonverbally. And some autistic people are very good at picking up on nonverbal communication, and others are not.
By practicing social skills you'll be better able to communicate effectively with your date. Actively listening, asking questions, paying attention are all essential techniques to practice that will improve your success in dating.
Need help with these essential social skills? Our Skills Academy Workshops can help.
8) HOW TO: Show that you are paying attention
Sustaining eye contact can dysregulate some autistic or neurodiverse people, however, it’s a nonverbal way of communicating. Making eye contact with your date shows them you’re interested in them. If you’re looking away frequently, it may make them feel you’re not listening or paying attention.
Avoid looking at your phone often (or at all), which can cause distrust or convey a lack of interest in your date. If you have trouble sustaining long conversations, it may be a good idea to keep the first several dates short.
If making eye contact is difficult for you, tell your date so they know not to take it personally. This might be awkward to share on a first date; you may feel more comfortable once you’ve had a couple more dates. We do not advocate forcing yourself to sustain eye contact. Instead, try looking directly at them briefly before looking away and looking back again periodically. You can also look at their mouth, forehead, or eyebrows if the intensity of eye contact is too uncomfortable.
9) HOW TO: Explore physical intimacy
Physical intimacy is one of the key differences between a romantic relationship and a friendship. Dating is not an assurance of physical affection or sex. People arrive at a point of readiness at different times—or never at all.
Before you even reach that point, it’s essential to be aware of your body language. You can communicate interest by facing toward your date. Turning or twisting away from them might indicate that you're not that interested. Give other nonverbal clues to demonstrate your interest, like nodding and smiling as they speak. As you become more familiar and comfortable, start with gentle physical intimacy, like touching your date’s arm or moving to sit closer together, shoulder to shoulder.
Consent is key. You can progress to more intimate displays of affection, like holding hands, hugging, and kissing — but you need to ask first. If the other person wants to touch or kiss you, they will be more than happy to say yes. If not, you’ll be glad you asked first rather than have them move away or recoil.
Every relationship moves at a different pace regarding physical intimacy; ask your date directly if they are comfortable and interested in physical intimacy before you initiate it. Similarly, if you’re the person being asked to get more intimate, clearly state what you’re comfortable with and when. You don’t owe more of an explanation. No is a complete sentence.
10) HOW TO: Handle Rejection
There’s a 50% chance that the person you ask out on a date won’t say yes. Rejection is a normal part of dating, and it happens to everyone. Many times, it stings to be turned down. If you’re rejected by a date or would-be date, shift the conversation back to your shared interests to help you both avoid embarrassment or awkwardness.
If someone rejects your advances, don’t ask why they declined; this can set you up for unnecessary emotional pain. Rather, because you have a common interest, you may be able to cultivate a meaningful friendship with this person. We can never have too many trustworthy and kind people in our support network, aka our circle of real friends.
Dating while neurodivergent can be intimidating, discouraging, and a grand adventure! You may learn that you need time alone after a date to decompress and reset your nervous system (self-regulation). The excitement of dating can be enjoyable, but it can also be draining. Check-in with your body and nervous system during and after your date for clues as to what it felt like to be with this person (interoception).
As with most social interactions, it takes patience and practice to become comfortable and confident when dating. Try to relax and take your time (even if you feel like rushing into a situation). But most of all, have fun!