ASK MARA: How can I help my autistic child transition to college away from home?

My autistic/ADHD child is graduating from high school this year. They want to go to college out-of-state and they have the grades, but I worry about their ability to make friends and develop a strong social support network so far from home. Already they spend more time gaming and on TikTok than they do interacting with friends in the real world. How can I help them make friends in a new environment across the country?

Congratulations on your child achieving this major milestone of adulting. With high school graduation and college on the horizon, it makes sense to be concerned about your child’s social life. Academic performance is  important, but social skills are the most vital skills a human can have. You need math? Use a calculator. You need friends? Not so simple. 

Transitions are among the most difficult experiences for humans. They can be exciting and uplifting, but often they are stressful and dysregulating as well. 

To help your young adult succeed with this major transition, it’s imperative to strongly encourage them to join an activity on campus that is based on their interests. Whatever it is — art, music, gardening, animals — other people are interested in it, too. And since friendships are based on common interests, that’s where they need to start the process of initiating relationships and finding their new “tribe”. 

If your child is moving away from home, the transition isn’t just about their school environment changing, but also their home life and their social world. While we are huge advocates for real-life face-to-face friendships and social interactions, those digital encounters can provide a sense of connection to familiar faces and names while they get settled in their new environment. Rather than disparaging their virtual world interactions, perhaps think of it as a bridge of comfort and stability while they make this transition.

Of course, you want them to make new friends - in real life- once they land in their new reality. Honing their social skills before they leave the nest will help immensely.

Social skills can be learned, practiced, and used to navigate strange and potentially uncomfortable new social environments. Neurodiverse people often struggle with social engagements and it sounds like this could be true of your child. A lack of social skills will put your child - or anyone - at a disadvantage in our inherently social world. 

Help your child develop the necessary skills to identify and connect with even just one supportive, validating friend in their new world. The kind of friend who will have your child’s back. A friend who will help them celebrate the joys of life — like passing that 4-hour-long public health policy final. Woo-hoo! A friend who will be there for them when things get hard. For example, if they get shunned or excluded by others— which is a form of bullying—your child’s new friend will be there for moral and social support.

Specific things you can do to help prepare them, aside from enrolling them in social skills coaching, is to model approaching strangers in a safe environment and initiating a two-way-conversation to connect around shared interests. 

At this age, your child will (probably) be more receptive to your modeling good social behavior than they will to verbal instructions or admonitions. And while it may feel as though you’re losing your baby, modeling and practicing good social skills with them will build an even deeper connection between the two of you

Good luck with this exciting next adventure for you both!