The Science of Making Friends

John Elder Robinson, author of Look Me In The Eye: My Life With Asperger’s Syndrome was 40 years old when he discovered that he was autistic.

This revelation transformed the way he saw himself—and the world.

From developing exploding guitars for KISS to building a family of his own, he is one of the many autistic people who endorse UCLA’s Program for the Education and Enrichment of Relational Skills (PEERS®) program.

Elder wrote the foreword to The Science of Making Friends: Helping Socially Challenged Teens and Young Adults by Dr. Elizabeth Laugeson, co-developer of the PEERS®:

“As a person who grew up with undiagnosed autism, I know how important social skills are for people who are neurologically different. I know firsthand the pain of loneliness and the sense of failure unwanted social isolation brings. The sting of childhood rejection followed me long into adulthood, and I’d do anything to save today’s kids some of what I went through.”

We know that some social skills groups for teens may not quite meet your teen’s needs. We also know that social skills groups for adults are very challenging to find.

We also know that belonging is a fundamental human need — and that peer rejection, social isolation and shunning have very harmful effects on human development.

The words “evidence-based” are crucial when you are looking to invest in a social skills program for a socially struggling teen or young adult. When we see the words “evidence-based”in relation to the PEERS® program, we know that PEERS® has been thoroughly researched and PROVEN to work, all over the world, since 2004. The evidence base includes over 50 studies, including what are known as randomized controlled trials, or RCTs. This means the PEERS® program has been compared to other social skills programs, as well as to no intervention at all — and has been found to be vastly more effective than any other social skills program (for example, applied behavior analysis, or ABA, and another social skills program that uses metaphors, which do not work with the autistic neurotype).

What makes PEERS® so effective that IRL Social Skills is entirely devoted to teaching these social skills groups for teens as well as social skills for adults? Because we know the problems with social skills classes as they are taught in the schools don’t work, and here’s why: 1) the dosage is way too low — that means these deserving individuals are not getting nearly enough intervention to make an actual difference in their lives! 2) they are not being taught using an evidence-based, manualized, social skills curriculum that is proven to be highly effective, and 3) there is no parent training component — which empower parents to help these skills generalize, or carry over, to other social contexts.

We know that we don’t need to be friends with everyone — and not everyone needs to be friends with us. We know that friendships are based on common interests — things we can talk about and do together (because together is always more fun!). We can find common interests by trading information; in fact, this is a great way to describe the act of having a good conversation, which includes both verbal and nonverbal forms of communication. Additionally, we’ve learned the lesson that conflict and rejection are painful experiences, and that we can utilize tools to help us cope with these human problems that may occur within all types of relationships.

As the saying goes, knowledge is power! And the more you know, the better equipped you and your socially struggling teen or adult will be to handle these challenges.

Long-term, follow-up research of young adults and young adults who received the PEERS training suggest that the extensive majority of learners experience their social skills continue to improve after going through the program, even years after treatment.

Despite the fact that enduring social success is the norm in participants (in all likelihood because of the continued, determined involvement of parents who promote, reference and encourage the skills they also learned in our classes), some families don't completely benefit right away following our intensive program.

However — among those who had been initially much less successful with the program (typically no more than 10% of the households), many in the end adopted the techniques taught in PEERS and began to pop out of their shells. These "late bloomers" are the customers who do not begin to enjoy the program until after the intervention is over. Rest assured, though, if you persist in practicing and referring to the skills you learn in our classes, your late bloomer WILL blossom like so many others worldwide.