Let's Talk About Consent: Sex Ed for Teens and Young Adults
Sex education has come a long way since many parents were in school; perhaps one of the most significant changes is the emphasis on asking for and giving consent before sexual interactions. Here are our pro tips for talking to your kids about consent.
What is consent?
Consent is an agreement between participants to engage in sexual activity. It is an affirmative and verbal expression indicating a willingness and desire to participate in sexual intimacy. Consent must be clearly and freely communicated without coercion.
Consenting to one sex act does not imply consent to others or future engagements. It is also an ongoing process of discussing boundaries and letting your partners know what you’re comfortable with. Although it can seem very “unsexy,” directly letting your partner know what is acceptable and what is not will help both parties learn and respect each other’s boundaries.
Ultimately, consent is a requirement for safe, healthy sexual relations. Normalizing discussions around sex and sexuality will go a long way toward helping your child feel confident in asking for or granting consent, as well as setting them up for satisfying life experiences.
Acknowledge the elephant in the room.
Your teen will notice if you are uncomfortable talking about consent or other matters regarding sex. Your discomfort can be transferrable, causing your child to want to shy away from or avoid the topic altogether. One of our parent coaches recommends acknowledging that you feel awkward or uncomfortable because it’s an important subject. Using straightforward, direct language rather than euphemisms is best. That alone can go a long way toward putting yourself — and your teen — at ease.
Make it a two-way conversation, not a lecture.
Teens love to challenge authority (their brains and nervous systems are predestined to do so). Instead of talking at them about consent, look for an opportunity while watching a TV show or movie together. Try asking an open-ended question to get the ball rolling. For example, “What do you think of that?” concerning a sex scene. Questions open the door for curiosity and sharing rather than receiving a lecture. Repeat what your teen says in your own words (active listening) and ask them if you understood what they meant.
Approach discussions around sex, consent and boundaries as an ally rather than an authority. When talking to your child about sex, this can make the difference between them feeling like you’re supporting them, rather than criticizing or condemning them.
This approach will facilitate self-knowledge and discovery. Your teen will likely view a directive approach (do this, don’t do that) as a challenge. As a result, they’re more likely to shut down any further queries or exchanges of information. Questions are more likely to invite questions. Get curious together rather than occupying the seat of authority.
How does consent work?
Ultimately, consent is about communication. It should be requested and granted every time for every type of activity. Consenting to one activity one time does not mean consent is given for the same or other activities another time. For example, agreeing to kiss someone doesn’t imply that it’s okay for them to fondle your breasts or genitals. Similarly, having sex with someone one time doesn’t mean you permit them to do so again.
It’s important to discuss boundaries and expectations with your partner before engaging in any sexual behavior. However, consent can be revised, revoked, or withdrawn at any time.
It’s okay to change your mind.
It’s okay to withdraw consent at any point if you feel uncomfortable proceeding with your partner. The best way to withdraw consent is to communicate clearly to your partner that you are no longer comfortable with the activity and wish to stop. Non-verbal cues can also convey a change of heart, but straightforward, honest language is the best way to ensure everyone understands the situation. Talk about what you’re comfortable doing before engaging in any activity, check in periodically with your partner, and ensure everyone consents before escalating or changing activities. In this way, consent is a process, not a destination.
Let your teen know it’s okay to change their mind — or for their partner to change their mind — about sexual activity. Respecting boundaries is a critical component of having healthy, satisfying sex. If your teen’s partner does change their mind after agreeing to sexual activity, the reason for their change of mind really doesn’t matter; a boundary has been set and must be respected — even if they don’t like it.
Consent is a two-way conversation
Getting approval involves posing a question: “Is this okay?” “Do you want to do X?” “Are you okay if I do XYZ?” The answer must be definitive, clear, and affirmative before proceeding. No is always a complete sentence. The person declining to consent does not owe their partner any further explanation. Trying to talk them into it after they’ve already rejected the offer is manipulative and coercive and violates the boundary that was previously set.
Consent is NOT:
A refusal to acknowledge or respect the boundary of a negative response. No means no, even if there was an affirmative response earlier.
Assuming that wearing certain clothes, makeup or hairstyles, flirting, or kissing is an invitation for more
Able to be granted by a person under the legal age of consent, as defined by the state. (Sex between teens does happen, however, and this article is for parents who want to prepare their naturally developing teens for the realities of sex.)
Able to be granted by someone intoxicated or impaired due to drugs or alcohol.
Coercing or manipulating someone into sexual activity by using fear or intimidation.
Assuming you have permission to engage in a sexual act because you’ve previously done it with a partner.
Engaging with a partner who is nonresponsive, asleep, or emotionally upset.
Boundaries are A necessary and healthy part of life — not just ”sex life”.
Preparing your teen for sexual relations might be awkward, but it’s also a loving and empowering endowment. Helping them understand the need for clear boundaries will help prepare them not only for intimacy but also in other areas of life as they learn self-agency, self-advocacy, and self-respect.