Dating on the Spectrum: Is it flirting or is it a compliment?
Receiving compliments usually feels good but sometimes they can seem more flirty than friendly. When that happens it’s hard to know how to respond. Complimenting and flirting are close cousins on the social behavior tree, but they serve different purposes and mistaking one for the other can be embarrassing, awkward or even damaging to relationships. For neurodivergent individuals who struggle to read social and nonverbal communication cues, being able to differentiate between the two takes on even more importance. So what exactly is the difference between flirting and complimenting?
Similar but different
Compliments and flirting share some similarities in that they both involve expressing admiration or appreciation for someone else. However, there are key differences between compliments and flirting, much of it contextual:
Compliments:
Intent: Compliments are typically offered with the intention of expressing genuine appreciation or admiration for someone's qualities, actions, or achievements.
Focus: Compliments often focus on specific attributes, behaviors, or accomplishments rather than expressing romantic or sexual interest.
Context: Compliments can be given in various contexts, including professional settings, friendships, family interactions, and casual social situations.
Non-Reciprocal: Compliments can be given without expecting anything in return. They are often one-sided expressions of positivity or encouragement.
Respectful Boundaries: Compliments are generally respectful of the other person's boundaries and comfort level. They do not typically involve persistent or suggestive behavior.
Flirting:
Intent: Flirting usually involves expressing romantic or sexual interest in someone with the intention of building attraction or establishing a romantic connection.
Subtlety: Flirting often includes subtle nonverbal cues or gestures, or comments that suggest romantic or sexual interest, such as playful teasing, extended eye contact, or suggestive language.
Context: Flirting is typically associated with interactions in which there is a potential for romantic or sexual involvement, such as dating, courtship, or romantic relationships. It is considered inappropriate for workplace or platonic relationships where there is no intention to become romantically involved.
Reciprocity: Flirting often involves a mutual exchange of flirtatious behavior, with both parties expressing interest and responding to each other's cues.
Boundaries: While flirting can be lighthearted and playful, it's important to respect the other person's boundaries and comfort level. Persistent or unwelcome flirting can cross into the realm of harassment or make the other person feel uncomfortable.
Here are some examples of flirting compared to compliments:
FLIRT: “You have the most beautiful eyes I've ever seen. They just draw me in."
COMPLIMENT: "I really admire your dedication to your work. You always put in 100% effort, and it shows.”
FLIRT: "I couldn't help but notice how amazing you look tonight. You're absolutely stunning."
COMPLIMENT: "You have such a warm and friendly personality. It's always a pleasure to be around you."
FLIRT: "You must be a magician because every time I look at you, everyone else disappears."
COMPLIMENT: "Your sense of humor always brightens my day. You have a way of making even the simplest moments enjoyable."
FLIRT: "I couldn't concentrate on anything all day because you've been on my mind since we met."
COMPLIMENT: "I admire your resilience and determination."
FLIRT: “Nice hair!” 😉😍😘
COMPLIMENT: “Nice haircut” said in passing at the elevator at work.
In these examples, the flirting statements contain elements of playfulness and romantic or sexual innuendo, while the compliments focus on specific qualities or behaviors that the speaker genuinely admires or appreciates about the other person. However, in the last example, context clues us into the intent behind the words. If ever you’re unsure whether a statement is meant to be flirtatious or merely a compliment, consider the context.
Flirting while neurodivergent
Individuals on the autism spectrum or with other neurodivergent traits may find flirting particularly challenging due to differences in social cognition, communication styles, and sensory sensitivities. Understanding social cues and navigating complex social dynamics may require additional support and accommodations.
Flirting often relies on subtle nonverbal cues, such as body language, tone of voice, and facial expressions. Some individuals may struggle to interpret these cues accurately or may feel unsure about how to respond appropriately. Social anxiety, lack of confidence, and fear of rejection can affect a person’s ability to flirt effectively. Cultural differences and personal beliefs about gender roles, relationships, and dating etiquette can also influence how individuals perceive and engage in flirting.
Overall, flirting can be a complex and nuanced social behavior that involves a combination of confidence, social skills, and emotional intelligence. For some people, overcoming barriers such as social anxiety, self-doubt, and fear of rejection may require practice, self-awareness, and support from others, such as a social skills coaching program, therapy, or role-playing with trusted advisors.
To err is human
While both flirting and complimenting involve expressing positive sentiments towards someone else, they differ in their intent, subtlety, context, reciprocity, and boundaries. Flirting typically involves hinting at romantic or sexual interest, while compliments are straightforward expressions of admiration or appreciation. People sometimes flirt poorly and complement a little too expressively, and there’s nothing wrong with asking someone their intent if you’re unsure. After all, understanding others is a two-way street.