Two Jobs, One Disability
To work with autistic teens and young adults is a two-pronged task.
We must prepare them to:
1) live, love, and work in an ableist society and provide direct instruction and practice in myriad social skills; and 2) build capacity and acceptance in society at large for the neurodivergent. Autism is a complex disability, replete with real sensory challenges in addition to the social ones. We need to walk that tightrope of both worlds: to prepare our clients for the most successful, best quality of life possible, and to train family, work, and social environments to accommodate and accept those whose brains and behaviors are divergent from the norm.
Parents can be wonderful advocates and social coaches, provided the right information and social supports. However, sometimes parents, though well-intentioned, give terrible advice to their autistic child about how to engage socially! That’s why training the environment helps with carryover of social skills.
Let’s take the behavioral example of starting a conversation. A supportive parent might say, “Just go up to someone, say hi, and introduce yourself.” This suggestion skips several steps. Imagine the autistic person just seeing some random person, walking up to them, perhaps standing too close, either staring at them or not making any eye contact at all, and saying in a too-loud or too-quiet voice, “Hi my name is ___________,” and then perhaps even going on to talk about their own special interest. What do you think that other person is going to think about the autistic one? Even the kindest, most sympathetic among us is going to think that the autistic person is weird, strange. This advice may lead to the autistic person being peer rejected and socially excluded — the exact opposite of the desired effect!
Instead, an analysis of the actual behaviors of neurotypical people are taught, and then practiced: First, casually look over for 1-2 seconds; do not stare. This indicates that there’s interest in the person but not in a creepy stalker way! Also, use a prop — like a phone, so that one appears to be distracted by something else. Then, while you’re casually looking over at the person, find a common interest you might share. For example, is the person wearing an Avengers t-shirt? That means they might be into comic books, or maybe they’ve seen the movies. Once a common interest has been identified, then mention it — make a comment, give a compliment, or ask a question about the common interest: “The last Avengers movie was the best of all, I think.” “I like your shirt.” “Which movie did you like more, Infinity War or Endgame?” This is the excuse for talking to them. Then, trade information — answer your own question, ask a follow-up question, and share relevant information about oneself. Now, assess interest: are they talking to me? Are they looking at me? Are they facing me, or are they giving me the cold shoulder? FINALLY, the LAST step is to introduce oneself — but ONLY if they seem interested in the conversation. If they don’t seem interested, just move on, without introducing oneself.
See how many steps come before “Just go up to someone, say hi, and introduce yourself”? It’s quite complicated! That’s why we train both the autistic person and the social coach in ecologically valid social skills — that is, social behavior exhibited by socially successful people — in real life.